I'm Sorry
by bizkitprinzess
Summary: This is a Vaughn POV fic. Kind of Dark and Angsty. A Song fic too 'It's Been Awhile' by Staind


Title: I'm Sorry  
  
Disclaimer: I own neither the song 'It's Been Awhile' by Staind or Alias.  
  
Author's Note: Okay, A song fic from Vaughn's POV. S/V. Kind of Angsty.  
  
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I take a puff of my cigarette and a drink of my beer. I started smoking after it happened. My death is impending but I figure the cigarettes will help speed it up. I quit the CIA just after it happened. I now make a living as a pool shark. I'm actually making more money as a pool shark then I did as a pencil pusher. The radios on somewhere, I let the lyrics sink in.  
  
And it's been awhile  
  
Since I could hold my head up high  
  
And it's been awhile  
  
Since I first saw you  
  
And it's been awhile  
  
Since I could stand on my own two feet again  
  
And it's been awhile  
  
Since I could call you  
  
  
  
I haven't held my head high since the day I saw what happened on the tiny black and white servallience screen. It's been years now since I first saw her, and it's been since the day I saw it on that screen that I haven't been able to stand on my own two feet. I wish I could still call her, I forgot she was dead one day- I don't know how I just forgot and I caught myself calling her old place and asking for 'Joey's Pizza'. I ended up getting drunk that night.  
  
And it's been awhile  
  
Since I can say that I wasn't addicted  
  
And it's been awhile  
  
Since I can say I love myself as well  
  
And it's been awhile  
  
Since I've gone and fucked things up just like I always do  
  
And it's been awhile  
  
But all that shit seems to disappear when I'm with you  
  
I'm not addicted to anything, maybe I should be though, it might help speed up the inevitable. I haven't fucked up since I did that last horrifying time, the time that cost her life. I miss the feeling I had when I was with her, like the whole world outside was never going to touch us, like we could be together forever, but it did get us.  
  
  
  
Why must I feel this way?  
  
Just make this go away  
  
Just one more peaceful day!  
  
I chuck the beer against the wall and watch the bottle shatter. I know why I feel this way, it will never, ever go away and it's ALL MY FAULT! I can never have a peaceful day, ever again because I killed her! I killed Sydney Bristow. I can feel myself start to cry, "I killed her".  
  
  
  
And it's been awhile  
  
Since I could look at myself straight  
  
And it's been awhile  
  
Since I said I'm sorry  
  
And it's been awhile  
  
Since I've seen the way the candle lights your face  
  
And it's been awhile  
  
But I can still remember just the way you taste  
  
I can't stand to look at myself anymore. I don't even use a mirror to shave, when I do shave. I can't stand to look at myself. I say I'm sorry every day, every minute of every god damn day, I can't go a second without saying it. I never got to see how the candles lit her face, her beautiful face. I did get to see how she tasted. We kissed, once, not even twenty- four hours before I screwed up, before she died.  
  
  
  
And everything I can't remember  
  
As fucked up as it all may seem to be I know it's me  
  
I cannot blame this on my father  
  
He did the best he could for me  
  
  
  
I wish I couldn't remember any of it, I wish I could fucking forget, but it's me. I fucking did this. I could blame this on my father, I could blame it on my whack sense of patriotism and I could blame it on an urge to follow in my Dad's footsteps and find out what happened to him but I can't and I won't. My father did what he thought was right and died himself, I did what I thought was right and I killed the woman I love. I didn't know about the sharp shooters, I didn't know that the Intel guy was running down the hall that second with the news about them and I didn't know enough to know how to save her.  
  
And it's been awhile  
  
Since I said I'm sorry  
  
"I'm sorry."  
  
  
  
The End,  
  
(Please Review; even if you didn't like it say so!) 


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